What can you expect from counselling?
Since my expertise lies in the area of Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy (SBT), I will describe what you can expect from a short-term, solution-oriented approach.
1. You Should Feel Comfortable with Your Therapist
Although your relationship with your therapist will be time-limited, she will play an extremely important role in your life. You will depend on your therapist to help guide you beyond the rough times. Because your therapist plays such a pivotal role, you must feel comfortable with her. You should feel as if your therapist respects you and that your thoughts and feelings are being acknowledged.
This is not to say that you will always agree with or love everything your therapist says or does. It is your therapist's job to suggest new ways of looking at your situation. Some new perspectives may challenge your usual way of perceiving your relationship - and that's good. However, you should never feel that your way of seeing things is incorrect or invalid. Although it's difficult to quantify, you should sense that your therapist likes you and values the information you impart during the session.
2. Goals Should Be Set Within the First Two Sessions
Goal setting is essential if problem solving is to be successful. The same holds true in the therapy context. If you don't identify where you're going, you won't know when you get there and neither will your therapist. Therapy will ramble and be unfocused. Each session will be an opportunity for you to react to the most recent crisis instead of making headway toward a specific goal. Conversations during the therapy session will begin to sound more and more like the conversations you and your partner have in your living room and you don't need a therapist to do that.
It is essential that you and/or your partner spell out your goals specifically so that you and your therapist have a sort of contract. This need not be in writing, but goals should be clearly stated, early in therapy, so that therapy gets off to a good start and no time, energy or money is wasted. If your therapist doesn't ask you about your goals within the first two sessions, make sure you tell her. Then make sure the therapy is structured around the accomplishment of your goals. In other words, it is important that your therapist help you continually monitor progress toward your goals and make suggestions when progress has halted.
3. You Are the Experts, You Set the Goals
It is essential that you and/or your partner be the ones in charge of establishing goals. You know yourselves the best. Although your therapist may have extensive training and education in human behaviour and relationships, each relationship is different. Every person is different. Your therapist just me you. YOU must determine what you hope will happen as a result of seeking therapy, not your therapist.
The reason I am emphasizing that YOU must identify what you want to change is that some therapists will make that determination for you if you don't. Sometimes therapists suggest that you should change something that you don't find problematic. Other times, therapists may suggest that what they consider the real root of your problem requires focusing on something you find extraneous, irrelevant or uncomfortable. Remember that you have hired your therapist to do a job for you. Although you should respect her professional skills, ultimately you are the boss. If something doesn't feel right to you, it isn't. Discuss your feelings immediately with your therapist and, if you don't feel understood, get yourself another therapist.
4. Therapy Doesn't Have To Be Painful
I have often heard it said that the expression "no pain, no gain" applies to the therapy process. In other words, growing is painful. If during therapy you are expected to explore painful memories of your childhood, this philosophy makes sense. However, I believe that you can solve marital problems without painful journey into the past. I am certain that the vast majority of SBT clients would not say that therapy is painful.
Another reason traditional therapy can be uncomfortable is that a trademark of many of these approaches is confrontation, self-destructive or unproductive. Sometimes these attacks occur before a person is willing to deal with an issue or are totally inconsistent with a person's self-concept. Naturally, this harsh and dissonant feedback is disturbing and, in my experience, rarely effective in helping a person change. Typically, one digs one's heels in deeper when feeling attacked.
Confrontation is not necessary during therapy. Most people take the initiative to address issues and concerns they are willing to change. If they don't raise certain issues, it's because they are not willing or ready to deal with them. Therapists should respect people's intuitive sense of direction and self-protection and follow their client's lead.
Obviously problem solving isn't always pleasurable or fun, that goes without saying. However, guard against therapy increasing rather than decreasing the stress your are feeling. Rather that feeling pained by going to therapy, you should look forward to sessions for the relief they offer.
5. The Therapist Must Be an Ally to Both Partners
Therapists who are trained to work with couples have an in-depth understanding of how relationships work. They are trained to observe patterns between people rather than merely focusing on intra psychic phenomena or personal problems. They see relationship problems stemming from a series of interactions rather than from ill-meaning individuals. They understand, for example, why "irresponsible" spouses are matched up with "over responsible" mates.
This nonjudgmental perspective enables therapist to generate varied solutions to relationship difficulties. It also prevents therapists from feeling the need to take sides. Although it may momentarily feel good for a therapist to take your side in the presence of your partner, this maneuver usually backfires. It is human nature to harden one's stance when challenged. If a therapist takes sides, it is likely that the attacked partner will intensify his or her perspective or actions an/or drop out of therapy. What good will that do anyone? A good therapist will make it possible for both partner, regardless of their divergent views, to leave the session feeling supported and validated.
6. There Should Be Improvement Within Three to Four Sessions
Although the rate at which you can expect improvement varies from therapist to therapist, you should expect some change within weeks rather than months or years. This is not to say that all of y our difficulties will be resolved instantly. But within several weeks you should see definite signs that your relationship is headed in the right direction. If it isn't, discuss your concern with your therapist. If the explanation offered makes sense, be patient and hang in there. If not, trust your instinct and shop around for a new therapist. Traditional therapy takes considerably longer to work. Unfortunately, when change occurs slowly, pessimism about the future often consumes couples.
7. Therapy Sessions Should Not Be Complaining Sessions
Make sure you are not just complaining to or about each other. If you start arguing in the therapist's office in a familiar way and your therapist doesn't redirect the session, ask for suggestions. Don't waste your time arguing.
(excerpt from"Divorce Busting", Michele Winer-Davis)
1. You Should Feel Comfortable with Your Therapist
Although your relationship with your therapist will be time-limited, she will play an extremely important role in your life. You will depend on your therapist to help guide you beyond the rough times. Because your therapist plays such a pivotal role, you must feel comfortable with her. You should feel as if your therapist respects you and that your thoughts and feelings are being acknowledged.
This is not to say that you will always agree with or love everything your therapist says or does. It is your therapist's job to suggest new ways of looking at your situation. Some new perspectives may challenge your usual way of perceiving your relationship - and that's good. However, you should never feel that your way of seeing things is incorrect or invalid. Although it's difficult to quantify, you should sense that your therapist likes you and values the information you impart during the session.
2. Goals Should Be Set Within the First Two Sessions
Goal setting is essential if problem solving is to be successful. The same holds true in the therapy context. If you don't identify where you're going, you won't know when you get there and neither will your therapist. Therapy will ramble and be unfocused. Each session will be an opportunity for you to react to the most recent crisis instead of making headway toward a specific goal. Conversations during the therapy session will begin to sound more and more like the conversations you and your partner have in your living room and you don't need a therapist to do that.
It is essential that you and/or your partner spell out your goals specifically so that you and your therapist have a sort of contract. This need not be in writing, but goals should be clearly stated, early in therapy, so that therapy gets off to a good start and no time, energy or money is wasted. If your therapist doesn't ask you about your goals within the first two sessions, make sure you tell her. Then make sure the therapy is structured around the accomplishment of your goals. In other words, it is important that your therapist help you continually monitor progress toward your goals and make suggestions when progress has halted.
3. You Are the Experts, You Set the Goals
It is essential that you and/or your partner be the ones in charge of establishing goals. You know yourselves the best. Although your therapist may have extensive training and education in human behaviour and relationships, each relationship is different. Every person is different. Your therapist just me you. YOU must determine what you hope will happen as a result of seeking therapy, not your therapist.
The reason I am emphasizing that YOU must identify what you want to change is that some therapists will make that determination for you if you don't. Sometimes therapists suggest that you should change something that you don't find problematic. Other times, therapists may suggest that what they consider the real root of your problem requires focusing on something you find extraneous, irrelevant or uncomfortable. Remember that you have hired your therapist to do a job for you. Although you should respect her professional skills, ultimately you are the boss. If something doesn't feel right to you, it isn't. Discuss your feelings immediately with your therapist and, if you don't feel understood, get yourself another therapist.
4. Therapy Doesn't Have To Be Painful
I have often heard it said that the expression "no pain, no gain" applies to the therapy process. In other words, growing is painful. If during therapy you are expected to explore painful memories of your childhood, this philosophy makes sense. However, I believe that you can solve marital problems without painful journey into the past. I am certain that the vast majority of SBT clients would not say that therapy is painful.
Another reason traditional therapy can be uncomfortable is that a trademark of many of these approaches is confrontation, self-destructive or unproductive. Sometimes these attacks occur before a person is willing to deal with an issue or are totally inconsistent with a person's self-concept. Naturally, this harsh and dissonant feedback is disturbing and, in my experience, rarely effective in helping a person change. Typically, one digs one's heels in deeper when feeling attacked.
Confrontation is not necessary during therapy. Most people take the initiative to address issues and concerns they are willing to change. If they don't raise certain issues, it's because they are not willing or ready to deal with them. Therapists should respect people's intuitive sense of direction and self-protection and follow their client's lead.
Obviously problem solving isn't always pleasurable or fun, that goes without saying. However, guard against therapy increasing rather than decreasing the stress your are feeling. Rather that feeling pained by going to therapy, you should look forward to sessions for the relief they offer.
5. The Therapist Must Be an Ally to Both Partners
Therapists who are trained to work with couples have an in-depth understanding of how relationships work. They are trained to observe patterns between people rather than merely focusing on intra psychic phenomena or personal problems. They see relationship problems stemming from a series of interactions rather than from ill-meaning individuals. They understand, for example, why "irresponsible" spouses are matched up with "over responsible" mates.
This nonjudgmental perspective enables therapist to generate varied solutions to relationship difficulties. It also prevents therapists from feeling the need to take sides. Although it may momentarily feel good for a therapist to take your side in the presence of your partner, this maneuver usually backfires. It is human nature to harden one's stance when challenged. If a therapist takes sides, it is likely that the attacked partner will intensify his or her perspective or actions an/or drop out of therapy. What good will that do anyone? A good therapist will make it possible for both partner, regardless of their divergent views, to leave the session feeling supported and validated.
6. There Should Be Improvement Within Three to Four Sessions
Although the rate at which you can expect improvement varies from therapist to therapist, you should expect some change within weeks rather than months or years. This is not to say that all of y our difficulties will be resolved instantly. But within several weeks you should see definite signs that your relationship is headed in the right direction. If it isn't, discuss your concern with your therapist. If the explanation offered makes sense, be patient and hang in there. If not, trust your instinct and shop around for a new therapist. Traditional therapy takes considerably longer to work. Unfortunately, when change occurs slowly, pessimism about the future often consumes couples.
7. Therapy Sessions Should Not Be Complaining Sessions
Make sure you are not just complaining to or about each other. If you start arguing in the therapist's office in a familiar way and your therapist doesn't redirect the session, ask for suggestions. Don't waste your time arguing.
(excerpt from"Divorce Busting", Michele Winer-Davis)
posted by Dianne at
8:36 AM
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