The communication of understanding.
Nothing hurts partners more in an intimate relationship than feeling misunderstood. "Having a partner who understands me" and "having a friend" are, in fact, two of the major qualities both men and women look for in a partner in the first place. Nothing fuels a conflict more than the belief that our partner is missing our point of view. The more we feel ignored, the more we think to ourselves, "If only my partner could see the supreme reasonableness of my point of view, our problem would be solved!" Unfortunately, because there are usually TWO reasonable perspectives, trying to convince our partner that ours is best will get us nowhere.
Talking sense means that you and your partner listen carefully to each others thoughts and feelings and show that you sincerely understand them. Communicating understanding to an intimate partner is not an easy task. Although you may be able to listen and demonstrate understanding to business associates and others with whom you have casual relationship, relating depends on your ability to use these skills when you're feeling hurt, unloved, angry and put down.
A relating conversation begins with dedicated listening. You cannot hope to understand what your partner is saying, thinking and feeling if you are:
In order to demonstrate understanding to your partner, you must try to crawl inside your partner's skin and see the world as he or she does. I am NOT asking you to agree with your partner's point of view. I am only asking that, during these isolated moments of critical conversation, you try to see the world as your partner does. Remember, the sooner that you, as the listener, are able to communicate a sincere understanding of your partner's thoughts and feelings from his or her perspective, the sooner you will be able to become the speaker and have your partner grant the same empathy to your side of the issue.
Here is another way of thinking about relation conversations that may help you achieve this most important phase of talking sense. Swimmers at the ocean are frequently warned about the dangers of undertow. Undertow is a strong current that can pull unsuspecting bathers away from the beach and out to sea. If caught in an undertow, you should not try to swim directly back to the shoreline; most swimmers do not have enough strength to fight the power of the ocean. Instead, it is best to follow a counter intuitive strategy and swim parallel to the beach. Then, once free of the forceful undertow, you will find it easy to turn toward the shore and swim to safety.
Many couples experience their initial attempts at having a relating conversation as if they were being dragged out to sea in an undertow; the calm surface at the start of relating conversation is often disturbed by the powerful forces of conflict that seem to arise from nowhere. Unfortunately, despite their best efforts to swim to shore, nothing seems to lessen the grip of the "undertow" and bring the partners back to solid ground. The solution is to ride out the power of each person's hurt, anger or disappointment through a relating conversation until the energy is spent and both partners can swim calmly to shore. Here's specifically what I mean...
Pitfall to the Communication of Understanding and Their Solution
Common pitfalls to the communication of understanding are:
1. Listener just says; "I understand what you are saying.
The pitfall: After a speak has tried hard to air thoughts and feelings, it will seem that the listener does not appreciate the full importance if the response simply is "I understand".
The solution: The listener takes everything the speaker said and tries to capture in hos or her own words the ideas and the feelings just expressed by the speaker.
2. Listener parrots back what the speaker just said, as if the listener were a computer.
The pitfall: After expressing our thoughts and feelings, hearing the listener respond in a cold, distand way makes us feel that our perspective is not appreciated.
The solution: Live up to the spirit, not just the letter, of the new rules for having a relating discussion. The goal of communicating understanding is to show our interest in what is being said and our understanding of our partner's perspective. The best way to accomplish this is to take in our partner's message, try to sense our partner's feelings, and then communicate back a blended mix of those thoughts and feelings.
3. Listener apologizes for "making" the speaker feel bad.
The pitfall: When the listener apologizes to the speaker, it is an attempt to stop the conversation prematurely. It is as if the listener were saying "Okay, I apoloized; let's move on to something else".
The solution: Even if the listener is feeling gulty, an apology focuses attention on the apologizer, when attention should be focused on the speak. The listener should show respect for the speaker's feelings and not try to dilute them by waving an apology at them.
4. Listener offers an explanation for his or her behaviour that makes the speaker feel bad.
The pitfall: This maneuver also will shift the focus of understanding away from the speaker's thoughts and feelings and onto the listener, leaving the speaker feeling frustrated and misunderstood.
The solution: The listener must accept the possibility that he or she did something that the speak did not like, even if it wasn't the listener's intention. The listener must develop a sense of confidence in taking turns, knowing that her or his position will be given equal "air time" as soon as the speak and listener switch roles.
When a relationship event happens that bothers either of you enough to provoke immediate comment, too often the listener's first response is to erect a defense against the criticism. Or when one of you expresses disappointment in the others behavior, too often the first reaction from the one criticized consists of excellent reasons why the feeling of disappointment is somehow invalid.
Speaker: "I'm disappointed you didn't remember our anniversary".
Listener: "You don't understand how much pressure I am under".
This type of reaction from a listener is counterproductive in the same way that is is counterproductive to swim directly to shore when caught in an undertow. When greeted with such strong feelings from your partner, the first step you should take is actively to "ride out the undertow", not to fight against it by trying to lessen the intensity of your partner's feelings, by ignoring them, or by deciding that they are "irrational". One of the most serious mistakes partners make at this stage of discussion is not to allow the initial energy of a disappointment to play itself out.
The listener may need to stay afloat in the troubled waters for some time and attempt a hasty swim away from the undertow. The essential resource her is listening talkd, and it may need to be repeated several times. Only then will the speak begin to feel sufficiently understood (if not agreed with) to move forward in the discussion.
The greatest fear that most partners have trying out this type of communication patterns is that they are giving in to their partner's "irrational emotions". People are loathe to engage in any interaction they see as "admitting" they were "wrong" when they knew they were "right". The trouble is that in all disagreements, both partners believe that they are "right"! That is why there is disagreement. The fight to prove oneself right challenges the healthy forces of nature and is a no-win proposition. The more each person feels that his or her side is being dismissed or not clearly understood, the more he or she will argue. This is a couple battling against unseen undertow, destined to drift out to sea. Partners deserve to know that both of them can, in turn, express their thoughts and feelings and be certain they are appreciated and understood by their partner.
(excerpt from "We Can Work It Out", Notarius and Markman)
Talking sense means that you and your partner listen carefully to each others thoughts and feelings and show that you sincerely understand them. Communicating understanding to an intimate partner is not an easy task. Although you may be able to listen and demonstrate understanding to business associates and others with whom you have casual relationship, relating depends on your ability to use these skills when you're feeling hurt, unloved, angry and put down.
A relating conversation begins with dedicated listening. You cannot hope to understand what your partner is saying, thinking and feeling if you are:
- concentrating on what you will say next;
- desperately trying to get your partner to see your side of things;
- certain that you already know what your partner thinks and feels; or
- distracted by the TV or stereo.
In order to demonstrate understanding to your partner, you must try to crawl inside your partner's skin and see the world as he or she does. I am NOT asking you to agree with your partner's point of view. I am only asking that, during these isolated moments of critical conversation, you try to see the world as your partner does. Remember, the sooner that you, as the listener, are able to communicate a sincere understanding of your partner's thoughts and feelings from his or her perspective, the sooner you will be able to become the speaker and have your partner grant the same empathy to your side of the issue.
Here is another way of thinking about relation conversations that may help you achieve this most important phase of talking sense. Swimmers at the ocean are frequently warned about the dangers of undertow. Undertow is a strong current that can pull unsuspecting bathers away from the beach and out to sea. If caught in an undertow, you should not try to swim directly back to the shoreline; most swimmers do not have enough strength to fight the power of the ocean. Instead, it is best to follow a counter intuitive strategy and swim parallel to the beach. Then, once free of the forceful undertow, you will find it easy to turn toward the shore and swim to safety.
Many couples experience their initial attempts at having a relating conversation as if they were being dragged out to sea in an undertow; the calm surface at the start of relating conversation is often disturbed by the powerful forces of conflict that seem to arise from nowhere. Unfortunately, despite their best efforts to swim to shore, nothing seems to lessen the grip of the "undertow" and bring the partners back to solid ground. The solution is to ride out the power of each person's hurt, anger or disappointment through a relating conversation until the energy is spent and both partners can swim calmly to shore. Here's specifically what I mean...
Pitfall to the Communication of Understanding and Their Solution
Common pitfalls to the communication of understanding are:
1. Listener just says; "I understand what you are saying.
The pitfall: After a speak has tried hard to air thoughts and feelings, it will seem that the listener does not appreciate the full importance if the response simply is "I understand".
The solution: The listener takes everything the speaker said and tries to capture in hos or her own words the ideas and the feelings just expressed by the speaker.
2. Listener parrots back what the speaker just said, as if the listener were a computer.
The pitfall: After expressing our thoughts and feelings, hearing the listener respond in a cold, distand way makes us feel that our perspective is not appreciated.
The solution: Live up to the spirit, not just the letter, of the new rules for having a relating discussion. The goal of communicating understanding is to show our interest in what is being said and our understanding of our partner's perspective. The best way to accomplish this is to take in our partner's message, try to sense our partner's feelings, and then communicate back a blended mix of those thoughts and feelings.
3. Listener apologizes for "making" the speaker feel bad.
The pitfall: When the listener apologizes to the speaker, it is an attempt to stop the conversation prematurely. It is as if the listener were saying "Okay, I apoloized; let's move on to something else".
The solution: Even if the listener is feeling gulty, an apology focuses attention on the apologizer, when attention should be focused on the speak. The listener should show respect for the speaker's feelings and not try to dilute them by waving an apology at them.
4. Listener offers an explanation for his or her behaviour that makes the speaker feel bad.
The pitfall: This maneuver also will shift the focus of understanding away from the speaker's thoughts and feelings and onto the listener, leaving the speaker feeling frustrated and misunderstood.
The solution: The listener must accept the possibility that he or she did something that the speak did not like, even if it wasn't the listener's intention. The listener must develop a sense of confidence in taking turns, knowing that her or his position will be given equal "air time" as soon as the speak and listener switch roles.
When a relationship event happens that bothers either of you enough to provoke immediate comment, too often the listener's first response is to erect a defense against the criticism. Or when one of you expresses disappointment in the others behavior, too often the first reaction from the one criticized consists of excellent reasons why the feeling of disappointment is somehow invalid.
Speaker: "I'm disappointed you didn't remember our anniversary".
Listener: "You don't understand how much pressure I am under".
This type of reaction from a listener is counterproductive in the same way that is is counterproductive to swim directly to shore when caught in an undertow. When greeted with such strong feelings from your partner, the first step you should take is actively to "ride out the undertow", not to fight against it by trying to lessen the intensity of your partner's feelings, by ignoring them, or by deciding that they are "irrational". One of the most serious mistakes partners make at this stage of discussion is not to allow the initial energy of a disappointment to play itself out.
The listener may need to stay afloat in the troubled waters for some time and attempt a hasty swim away from the undertow. The essential resource her is listening talkd, and it may need to be repeated several times. Only then will the speak begin to feel sufficiently understood (if not agreed with) to move forward in the discussion.
The greatest fear that most partners have trying out this type of communication patterns is that they are giving in to their partner's "irrational emotions". People are loathe to engage in any interaction they see as "admitting" they were "wrong" when they knew they were "right". The trouble is that in all disagreements, both partners believe that they are "right"! That is why there is disagreement. The fight to prove oneself right challenges the healthy forces of nature and is a no-win proposition. The more each person feels that his or her side is being dismissed or not clearly understood, the more he or she will argue. This is a couple battling against unseen undertow, destined to drift out to sea. Partners deserve to know that both of them can, in turn, express their thoughts and feelings and be certain they are appreciated and understood by their partner.
(excerpt from "We Can Work It Out", Notarius and Markman)
posted by Dianne at
8:56 AM
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