A myth about relationships, as I see it.

In their book, "How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other" (1993), authors Clifford Notarious and Howard Markman state that "our research has shown that it takes one put-down to undo hours of kindness you give to your partner" (p.18). I vehemently disagree with this statement. Sure, a "put-down" can hit us like a ton of bricks, it can make us feel less-than, inferior, awful. But if we have the tools to recognize that it's one statement, one moment, one emotion, we can usually find a way to fend off the "negating of all that preceded it" aspect of it. If we have the tools to verbalize how that statement affected us, to step up and give ourselves a voice as to how those few words hit us, so much conflict can be circumvented. My experience as a therapist has indicated, over and over, that he/she (the "sword-recipient"), often sits in painful silence, injured and hurt but unwilling to communicate their pain. Of course, the "sword-thrower" has to be held accountable for and own his/her participation in the duel but if kept unaware of the sword's impact, how is he/she to know how deeply it hurt? Both participants in any conflict in any relationship have to recognize that they are indeed willing participants in it. I believe that the key is to recognize and name this participation. Then, and only then, can it be addressed. If one sits in silent pain, mad as hell, they freeze. There is literally no movement. The other reacts to that frozen state by pulling away, also frozen. Nothing is resolved. Often it only means a sort of "rising above", a letting go of that which isn't useful to sit with anymore. It can also mean becoming what is often referred to as "the hero" in the conflict, becoming the person who chooses to say, "This just isn't all that important". The reader of this blog may be thinking that it all sounds too easy. Yes, in many cases it goes much deeper than that. But in so many instances I find that it simply does not. We often get so caught up in the times when we're "off" with our partners, the drama of it all, we forget to remember how we are when we're "on" and we forget how we participated in the "on" times. We forget how to draw from the foundation, the FRIENDSHIP that is the true basis of any relationship.

So yes, a 'put-down' can hurt but it doesn't necessarily undo or negate the 'put-ups'. I focus my work with couples on recognizing opportunities for the'put-ups' and acknowledging their participation in that process.