Marriage/Couples Counselling, What To Expect.
GOAL SETTINGCounselling can get "fluffy" if there aren't solid goals laid out during the first session. I need to get a feel for what my clients want, I need to know what their issues are and what they want to see happen. Once that is estabished...it's not always easy...we can set goals for our work together. As we continue in our work, I will always refer to the initial goal. These goals will always ebb and flow, they will constantly be altered, that is up to my clients, but I will also always challenge them as to their initial goal. Common questions will be "why are you here"?, "what do you want from this session"?, "what can you take home with you from this"?. I am not being helpful if the only time there is any progress is in our session. It has to present itself outside of our work together. I almost always assign homework for the in-between times. Some examples of that homework will follow.
A myth about relationships, as I see it.
In their book, "How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other" (1993), authors Clifford Notarious and Howard Markman state that "our research has shown that it takes one put-down to undo hours of kindness you give to your partner" (p.18). I vehemently disagree with this statement. Sure, a "put-down" can hit us like a ton of bricks, it can make us feel less-than, inferior, awful. But if we have the tools to recognize that it's one statement, one moment, one emotion, we can usually find a way to fend off the "negating of all that preceded it" aspect of it. If we have the tools to verbalize how that statement affected us, to step up and give ourselves a voice as to how those few words hit us, so much conflict can be circumvented. My experience as a therapist has indicated, over and over, that he/she (the "sword-recipient"), often sits in painful silence, injured and hurt but unwilling to communicate their pain. Of course, the "sword-thrower" has to be held accountable for and own his/her participation in the duel but if kept unaware of the sword's impact, how is he/she to know how deeply it hurt? Both participants in any conflict in any relationship have to recognize that they are indeed willing participants in it. I believe that the key is to recognize and name this participation. Then, and only then, can it be addressed. If one sits in silent pain, mad as hell, they freeze. There is literally no movement. The other reacts to that frozen state by pulling away, also frozen. Nothing is resolved. Often it only means a sort of "rising above", a letting go of that which isn't useful to sit with anymore. It can also mean becoming what is often referred to as "the hero" in the conflict, becoming the person who chooses to say, "This just isn't all that important". The reader of this blog may be thinking that it all sounds too easy. Yes, in many cases it goes much deeper than that. But in so many instances I find that it simply does not. We often get so caught up in the times when we're "off" with our partners, the drama of it all, we forget to remember how we are when we're "on" and we forget how we participated in the "on" times. We forget how to draw from the foundation, the FRIENDSHIP that is the true basis of any relationship. So yes, a 'put-down' can hurt but it doesn't necessarily undo or negate the 'put-ups'. I focus my work with couples on recognizing opportunities for the'put-ups' and acknowledging their participation in that process.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy
I am constantly upgrading my skills and knowledge in the field of couples and marriage counselling. I recently received Level One training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. This is a theoretical approach which I had studied in my Masters in Clinical Psychology training and which I have always integrated into my work as a couples and marriage therapist. However, the opportunity to more deeply explore Gottman's systematic approach toward building on friendship and love has only further informed my committment to building on what IS working in the relationship as opposed to what WAS/IS NO LONGER/SHOULD BE working. Gottman's work is research-based, in that he and his colleagues studied actual couples as they interacted in a "marital laboratory". The participants' interactive behaviours, perceptions and physiologies were measured and assessed and effective interventions were designed to address the identified core issues affecting conflict. Gottman has named the four key elements of relationship conflict as "THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE": 1) conflict 2) defensiveness 3) contempt 4) stonewalling I encourage the readers of this blog to further research Gottman's work at www.gottman.com. It is valuable reading and highly informs the principles of my theoretical approach.
Research shows that we will stay in our conflict for a very long time before we make the decision to reach out for professional help. The first step is to often try to "work things out" on our own. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. If it doesn't, step number two is generally getting our friends and family involved. But let's be honest, we're usually going to turn to people who have a biased opinion on our situation. If "Sally" is determined that she is right about "Frank" being a stubborn, non-communicative partner, she is going to confide in a friend or family member who she is fairly confident will concur with her on that. If "Frank" is determined that "Sally" is simply needy and over-emotional, he will be calling on someone who will likely agree with him whole-heartedly. It's human nature to seek out some form of validation for our position on something. Unfortunately, this is rarely helpful. To the contrary, it will probably only provide "Sally" and "Frank" with more ammunition for staying stuck in their conflict. Another downside to getting friends and family involved is that we run the risk of pushing them away, they might start running in the opposite direction when they see us, knowing we're just going to "dump" on them. It's an unfair burden to place on them. It is at this point that many of my clients will make that first call to me. It can be an extremely difficult call to make. Many of my clients report that they felt by reaching out to a professional counsellor was somehow synonymous to admitting defeat and weakness. While I understand this way of thinking, I applaud my clients for having the courage to step up and ask for help. I view it as a huge step towards them honouring themselves and their relationships. I am not here to make Sally or Frank feel completely justified in their positions nor am I here to be a good buddy to either of them. I am here to explore where they are, how they got there, where they want to be and how they can get there. The work can then begin, in an environment that is respectful, ethical, confidential and unbiased. I will further post my approach to working with couples, individuals and/or families. The issues are always different but my experience tells me that very few of them are insurmountable.
Couples usually turn to couples counseling when they feel that their relationship is in deep trouble. They view it as a last ditch effort to work out problems that may not be resolved otherwise. However, couples can turn to it at any time, even when they don’t feel that anything is wrong with their relationship. In fact, some couples do this before they get married. Some experts think that this might be the very best time for a couple to go through counseling. However, you may be in for a shock if you get couples counseling before you get married. You will learn things about your spouse that you never knew before when you go through it. Of course, these are all things that you should learn before you get married, not after you walk down the aisle together. Couples counseling deal with the big issues that are known to bust up a good marriage. You will be able to understand how your partner is feeling and what their views on important subjects might be through counseling. The issue of having children is one of the things you need to talk about in couples counseling. Many couples talk about this, but they don’t really hear what the other is saying. Your spouse to be might say they also want to have kids if they feel that you really want to have them. However, they may be undecided but they think they might want them in the future. These feelings will surface through counseling. This way you and your spouse can work on it and make a decision on the issue of having offspring and other important issues. You will also be able to understand how your partner views money and spending through couples counseling. You are going to have huge problems in your marriage if you have vastly different ideas about what you want to do with money. You should never marry if the relationship has any flaws that you can’t live with for the rest of your life. Couples counseling will help you decide what those flaws are and if you can live with them. A few years down the road, you might be driven crazy by the things that you find cute about your partner. A lot of people believe that a person will be more responsible, or will perhaps stop doing some of the more annoying things they do once they are married. However, this is never the case, and many people have learned this the hard way. You might still benefit from couples counseling before getting married, even if you think that you are a perfect match. Morgan Hamilton offers expert advice and great tips regarding all aspects concerning Couples Counseling. Visit our site for more helpful information about Couples Counseling and other similar topics.
Are You A Victim Of Dysfunctional Relationships? 9 Warning Signs
Dysfunctional relationships are relationships that create more emotional turmoil than satisfaction. Relationships are part of the human experience. But what happens if one or both partners have never been involved in a happy relationship, or had one modeled for them as a child? Chances are they will participate in a dysfunctional relationship. A dysfunctional or an about-to-be dysfunctional relationship always has warning signs. These must be identified and confronted in a timely fashion to prevent complete disintegration of he relationship. Here is a list of some warning signs of dysfunctional relationships: 1. Addictive/obsessive attitude: When one of the partners develops addictive or obsessive attitude and all the time seems overly focused on themselves or the other, it is time to reevaluate your relationship because this is the beginning of dysfunctional. You 'lose yourself' in the chaos. 2. Imbalance of power: You always feel that you are working much harder than your partner at making the relationship work. When your partner seems to make no effort at that, your relationship is probably going dysfunctional. Relationships are supposed to be a 50/50 partnership. If it has evolved into a 90/10 split with you doing all the giving and very little return, or vice versa a bad relationship scenario is developing. 3. Tensions show up regularly: Little things that cause tension are always present. These may related to money, friends, love, work or anything else, but they seem to take on disproportional importance. 4. Feeling cornered: In such relationships, either of the partners can get a feeling of being cornered or trapped into a situation that s/he would not like to have got into in the first place. If this feeling of being trapped and hapless keeps recurring, and is not a one-off incident, then it shows there's something wrong in the relationship. 5. Inferiority/superiority complex: If any one of the partners in a relationship begins developing an inferiority/superiority complex, then there is something that's going wrong. Relationships are based on equality and trust no partner should consider himself superior or inferior in comparison to the other. 6. The feeling of frustration: Every relationship has little frustrations, but when they persist and just keep cropping up as soon as one is dealt with, something is certainly wrong. 7. Constant unhappiness: Are you happy? If not, what happened? This is a fundamental question that needs to be answered. If you are constantly unhappy or mentally bogged down, because there is a nagging doubt or a feeling that something is not going right, it is time to evaluate the situation. This can happen when you just cannot reconcile your desires, your feelings and your needs with your partner's and neither can he, with yours. 8. Being unsure and insecure: You are so unsure of yourself that you hesitate to do things, thinking about what if it would end up causing a rift in your relationship. In other words, when you go from being spontaneous to overcautious about doing things you like to do. Being unsure brings with it a feeling of insecurity and that is another sign to watch out for. 9. Emotional blocks: Fear, jealousy, obsession, non-involvement, manipulation, distrust, suspicion, disrespect and an uncaring attitude are the usual suspects. If there is continuity in any of these behavioral traits, then your relationship is on its way to being past history. These are some warning signs of a dysfunctional relationship. If you happen to notice any of these, take preventive measures immediately and address the situation. And remember, band-aid measures won't work, look for long-term solutions. Perhaps the most commonly used and least effective solution to problems in relationships is to ignore them and hope they go away. Here is wishing you all the best in your relationship. Tell your story! Pick up tips and tricks to help in addiction recovery and enhance your life free of addictions. Join our growing community. The author, Bill Urell MA.CAAP-II, is an addictions therapist at a leading drug addiction treatment center. He teaches healthy life styles and life skills. Visit us at: http://www.AddictionRecoveryBasics.com
Welcome To Vancouver Couples Couselling Blog
Welcome to The Couples Counselling Vancouver BLOG In this blog I will be posting articles and thoughts pertaining to issues and challenges we all face in our relationships with others and ourselves. These will address common reasons for miscommunication, the power of the meaning of words, distorted thinking patterns, to name just a few. I will also be including case studies from actual couples, families and individuals I have worked with, starting with their initial presenting concerns, a description of the subsequent work we did together and a review of how they allowed learned tools and strategies to change their lives for the better. Thanks for stopping by!
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